Friday, April 15, 2011

How many is that now? Thirty-five?

BACK. I have been in the chemo cancer depression cave for a MONTH. I think it was the worst yet. Why is it that I don't want to talk to anyone during that cave time, when my brain knows it would help.

Five rounds of chemo down, one to go, as of this morning. That makes a total of....8 (ACT) then 3 years of tamoxifen plus 15 (taxotere and then abraxane) then gamma knife plus 9 (abraxane) then gamma knife plus 5 and what will be 6 of abraxane and Zeloda. How many is that? 37, going on 38 rounds of chemo. I'm going to get a gun or a saddle or something, and carve a mark for every round. Have Chem, Will Travel is the Name on Her Card....

Seriously, every woman who is coping with metastatic cancer in any form is wonderful, brave, an amazon AND a badass. Guts, grace, and grit. Me, I'm a schlemiel, but I know that I'm a good example for others, including my darling GliomaGirl

AND. Handmade bracelets or cancer survivors in my life are all half assembled on my craft table, durn it. I had no $$ to mail them, and was too blue for anything creative. BUT. I asked my doc for the next 6-8 weeks off (after I almost ran a stop sign...) so I hope to have more energy and less blues. And I want CC to come up and take me for a ride! I have the boots and the jacket.

Bone metastases are confusing. Lymph nodes are down - good - responding to the chemo. Two new bone mets visible -11 to 13 - bad? Could be good? PET scan measures glucose uptake, so it could be the bones rebuilding, but I'm not convinced. Little boogers.

Some chemo days I have had so many rescue drugs that I feel totally stoned, except with nausea. It's the weirdest feeling. Spacy, but not awful. Amend, ativan, aloxi, dexamethazone, THEN chemo. Now zophran. ...Sometimes I feel like we have all learned a foreign language.

And I'm finally almost OFF THE BLOODY STEROID! After almost 10 months. And my husband has not murdered me. This is good. I talk a lot WITHOUT artificial stimulants.

And a note to a metastatic cancer babe buddy -

I have too many hobbies, so you can have one of mine. I highly recommend soul collage if there's anyone teaching it near you.

Round 15? What kind are you having?

Hugs. It's do-able, it just isn't fun. I'm trying to get my head around the idea that for a while I will be doing chemo for 4-5 months with a break of maaaaybe 6 months or it doesn't make sense to just try to get THROUGH it doing sudoku and jigsaw puzzles. I have to try to count it, and enjoy my life while I'm doing chemo, since it's taking over. Be all zen and shit - enjoy the moment. I never want to be all about cancer. Does that make sense?

The writer above is post-chemo, and is not to be held responsible for anything whatsoever. This is not entirely a joke - I'm considered hospitalized for the next two days, and I can't sign a contract - or if I do, I can go back and say, sorry, changed my mind, don't want that Westfalia after all, and you can't hold me to the contract because I was a chemo babe. Weird.

Love to all.
Bald o'Grund o'Toole

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