Visiting metastatic cancer babe

Wrutten by another person in my metastatic cancer babes group. Brilliant, and to the point. Reproduced here with her permission.

To my very supportive Family,

I thought I would send you all a note just to let you know what is going on and why I may seem out of sorts and short on patience. On top of all the regular craziness of raising four kids, working and having a husband that travels all week every week, being diagnosed with an advanced cancer takes the stresses of life to a whole new, different level. I’ve experienced things and have felt emotional highs and lows like I never could have imagined. Let me try and explain where I am coming from.

Where to even begin? How do you try and explain to the world that you are doing ok and doing more than all the right things, and you can still have days where you are frightened beyond words and have absolutely no patience and feel like you can blow at any moment? Its not easy living with a disease that kills people daily, and the uncertainty of its behavior can literally drive you mad if you let it. I try and find the positive and the humor in all that I do, but there are going to be some days where I just don’t have it in me. AND THAT NEEDS TO BE OK....some days I NEED to be in that bad place and to face those horrible thoughts and feelings. It actually is quite normal and down right therapeutic to be there. I think the key here is that when I’m there, I don’t need a pep talk. Unless you’ve squirreled away the cure, there really isn’t anything you can say that will change the way I am feeling in that moment. I’ve seen and heard one too many stories about people declining and/or dying from this disease (or any cancer for that matter) and I wouldn’t be human if they didn’t affect me. I know their stories are not mine, but trust me when I say, you can’t help but think if that is going to be what happens to you.

What I need is just for everyone to listen and let me get it out. I know what I need to do and I know that I am doing everything in my power. So, what I need in those times is validation and someone to just tell me that, “You are right, this really stinks.”. or “I can hear your frustration and I don’t blame you for feeling like that...”.

I can’t imagine what it must be like having to watch someone you love struggle through all of this and have not one ounce of control or power over what its going to do. Not that I have any more power than you, but at least I know how I feel just based on being in my body and knowing how I literally feel day to day. Watching has got to be beyond maddening. They do say that Cancer is a family disease because it does truly affect everyone in the family in some way.

I know I make this look easy, and for the most part, it's not that bad. But there are going to be days when I am not myself and have little patience. I’m doing my best to find a way to ease those times, but its not always easy. Right now, the stress of having my numbers on the upswing from last month has had me on edge for weeks now. I feel like I’m questioning every single ache, pain, and weird sensation that I have wondering if its cancer related or not. My poor children have seen me blow my stack a little bit too often lately. I hate that I can’t always control my frustration and let something they do be the push that opens the emotional gates. Bryan said to me the other day, “Mom, the next time you get upset with us and yell, could you please watch your language...”....it actually made me laugh, which is probably a good thing...who would of thought my kids would be my moral compass...