Trapped

There are days when this is how cancer feels and cancer treatment feel. The world is out there, and is gorgeous, but I can't get at it. I'm trapped in the cancer cage.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Expectations are getting to me. The feeling of expectations placed upon me, about how I'm expected to be. Be brave. Be on top of everything. Don't be angry. Be supportive. Don't make mistakes. Be clairvoyant about what everyone else around you needs, even when you are exhausted, strung out, have been running errands all day, worrying about money, and have just had a PET scan. Alone. Because apparently your regular cancer buddy is angry with you, and everyone else has conflicts. Even when you are terrified that you are going to get results that you don't want.

Well, the truth is I feel sad, angry, overwhelmed, and hassled. Sorry I'm not living up to everyone's expectations, but more to the point, frustrated that I'm not, and wishing everyone would cut me some more slack. I'm exhausted, very down, and fighting depression. And yes, I have some pretty weird ways of trying to cover it up.

If the lymph nodes are larger, we probably will start chemo again in January. Sounds like I have three choices at least. Continue paclitaxel, which has worked fairly effectively in the past. Try an oral, maintenance chemo, like Gemzar. Up side, not as much hair loss. Down side, probably more neuropathy in my hands and feet, and that is one of the side effects that tends to bug me the most, after only GI symptoms and nausea.

Another possibility would be to repeat Adriamycin in combo with some stronger stuff like cytoxin. I'm sort of tempted by this. A much stronger drug, possibly with the potential to knock the cancer out for longer, since it's been five years since I've had it. Down side, neuropathy, and the possibility of heart damage. I would need to talk through it with Dr L. Also, I don't really know if Kevin and Tess would be up for this. It would knock me out much more thoroughly for about four months, a lot more couch time, a lot less energy. Still, spring is looking fairly mellow from the work end, and we just have PODS to empty and sort in the next few weeks.

Bones ache. Not enough exercise over the break, so the steroid symptoms are worse. Right hand and feet are swollen, and I can't seem to get the lymphedema to go down, so my elbow aches all the time. Puffy face and collarbones.

(I do try not to whine.)

Still, New Year's Eve dance party to enjoy this evening. Dancing may break me out of the cage, at least temporarily.

I don't know. I don't think I can be a badass this week.