Butterfly Soup

And if I don't die or worse, I am going to need a nap.

2011-08-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

"Those whom the gods would make crazy, they first make mad." Sometimes I think cancer, and cancer treatment, were invented by some mischevious, minor god, to turn me into Job. The latest round is the third reoccurance of brain metastases, this time tumorS. Multiple. What fun! So instead of having gamma knife surgery, which has relatively small side effects, except for cranial edema, I get

2011-07-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

Sooooo. I went last week and had yet another MRI (my eleventy-hunnerth) and then an afternoon visit to my oncologist. Following a week of out-of-the-blue headaches. Sure enough, I've got new stuff - tumors - going on in my brains. Baby squid! OTOH, my intuition is working just fine, thanks very much. Coming up - Saw the neurosurgeon Tuesday Get whole brain radiation, for 10 sessions - I

Telling the children

2011-05-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

In reponse to a question from another Metastatic Breast Cancer Babe, about what to say to her kids. I was diagnosed with cancer the first time when my daughter was six, less than three months after her favorite aunt had died of ovarian cancer at age 44. My cancer was the opposite of your early stage cancer - Stage 3C, with lymph nodes involved (I found it myself from an enlarged lymph node),

A short update...

2011-04-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

Several people have asked me how it is going - the answer is, Same Sh*t, Different Day. I feel as though I've been here before, I go back and read my old posts, and I have been here before. At the end of chemotherapy, running out of steam, physically very run down, family sick of it as well. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? I'm going to go off and make art. The hell

How many is that now? Thirty-five?

2011-04-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

BACK. I have been in the chemo cancer depression cave for a MONTH. I think it was the worst yet. Why is it that I don't want to talk to anyone during that cave time, when my brain knows it would help. Five rounds of chemo down, one to go, as of this morning. That makes a total of....8 (ACT) then 3 years of tamoxifen plus 15 (taxotere and then abraxane) then gamma knife plus 9 (abraxane) then

Bone metastases, henna head, and the senses

2011-03-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

Dearly beloved, So when you last rejoined me, I was waiting to talk to my oncologist about the latest PET scan. I get copies of things like radiology reports these days, but perhaps there's a reason they generally don't release these to patients - I almost always interpret the news more harshly than my physicians do. The latest one was a real mixed bag - all the new lymph nodes were smaller

And now for something completely different

2011-03-09T06:24:00.000-08:00

Dearly beloved, Not really anything all that different. Just the latest update on the cancer treatment. Fourth bout of chemotherapy, eighth treatment. Surgery, radiation, two gamma knife surgeries. I'm going to run out of fingers to count on fairly soon. This chemotherapy is not typical. By far the worst round was the first one, and it was the reaction to the Zeloda - a bone med. This

One day I will step out of my body, and burst into bloom...

2011-02-06T07:25:00.000-08:00

It has been a really rough couple of weeks. I had the PET scan about 3-1/2 weeks ago, and got the results a week later. I jumped right into treatment again, starting chemotherapy two days after seeing my oncologist. However, the hard truth is that this cancer is progressing much faster, and in a worse way than Kevin and I had hoped. I only finished my previous round of chemo in June of last

Beast Chthulu and bone metastases

2011-01-25T10:20:00.000-08:00

In answer to a friend who wants to take me to the "new body store".. She says, "I am familiar with lymph glands...but I'm not familiar with hilar. Where and what are those? So I am tactless enough to ask, what will the cancer moving into the bones do/mean? Is this unusual or par for this kind of crap? Are you in pain from any of that? I know the chemo is doing a real number on you.... God Chris,

The ongoing saga

2011-01-22T07:17:00.000-08:00

Dearly beloved, I started a new round of chemotherapy Friday. The cancer has shown up in four new hilar lymph nodes. In addition, the PET scan shows that there are now bone metastases, small areas of cancer growth in my spine, ribs and hips. So along with the chemo, which should stop this progression and hopefully reverse it somewhat, I'll also be getting another drug which helps the bones

Visiting metastatic cancer babe

2011-01-05T07:42:00.000-08:00

Wrutten by another person in my metastatic cancer babes group. Brilliant, and to the point. Reproduced here with her permission. To my very supportive Family, I thought I would send you all a note just to let you know what is going on and why I may seem out of sorts and short on patience. On top of all the regular craziness of raising four kids, working and having a husband that travels all

When did I lose my brave little soul?

2011-01-04T14:04:00.000-08:00

When did I lose my brave little mind? Cancer erodes me, small losses I find add up, I am not the person today, Whose mind once sang bravely as I rode away. When did I lose my brave little soul? Each time I fight but I've lost the whole The future feels short, I don't plan ahead I just stumble forward, my heart filled with dread. When did I lose my brave little heart? I don't remember if

Guardians

2011-01-02T07:10:00.000-08:00

Trapped

2010-12-31T06:04:00.000-08:00

There are days when this is how cancer feels and cancer treatment feel. The world is out there, and is gorgeous, but I can't get at it. I'm trapped in the cancer cage. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Expectations are getting to me. The feeling of expectations placed upon me, about how I'm expected to be. Be brave. Be on top of everything. Don't be angry. Be supportive.

Nothing left.

2010-12-30T19:22:00.000-08:00

PET Scan. Thrush. Pierced ear that's infected. Bloating. Neuropathy. Tingling in fingers and toes. Bills. Bills, bills, bills. Fatigue. Kevin has caregiver's syndrome. Mother cancer patient Working part time. (Work is good...) Fighting depression. Trying to start a garden. A little bit of dancing. Ballet is brilliant. Ballet moms are brilliant. Zazen and breathing help.

The question nobody asks

2010-12-10T06:30:00.000-08:00

Helen, are you going to die? Because if you are going to die, I'm going to come see you first. - Alice Sims - What's the prognosis? Jennifer and Karen No. I'm not. Actively anyhow. Any more than you are. And I'm often annoyed that you don't have the guts to ask me this, when I can see it in your eyes. As you all know, I talk about cancer, breast cancer, boobies, cancer statistics..a LOT. I

I has a bucket.

2010-12-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

Physical - cracked lips mouth sores sore throat upset stomach puffy face bloody noses lymphedema bloating GI stuff hellish weird appetite swollen ankles Emotional - Mood swings Irritability Insomnia Hyperactivity Did I mention insomnia? Other stressors - All three of us with local creeping crud Bills Garage sale planning Me going out of town Nutcracker - fun, but stressful! Working Grants Oh

Swimmer

2010-12-08T04:37:00.000-08:00

This one really creeps Kevin out, he hates praying mantids. I may change her, I love the merperson top half. And seahorses. But Is It Art?

venus de chemo

2010-12-06T21:56:00.000-08:00

Grief again

2010-12-01T06:33:00.000-08:00

So lately I just seem to wake up crying. It happened a few days ago, and again this morning, after one bout of being up. I managed fall asleep a second time, which doesn't always work, but the had an extremely odd dream. I'm really grieving. This last round of no cancer/cancer feels like whiplash, and also has given me a real emotional smackdown. We had ten days. Ten days where we were told,

Drama

2010-11-24T06:57:00.000-08:00

Seeds...

2010-11-22T22:56:00.000-08:00

Radiant

2010-11-21T07:53:00.000-08:00

Sad dancer

2010-11-20T19:56:00.001-08:00

Another collage, because it's my blog, and I can post whatever I want, dammit. For all the amazing dancers in my life, but most of all the Tess.

The gargolye inside

2010-11-19T11:33:00.000-08:00

I went to the ER yesterday because of double vision and cloudiness in my right eye, rule out a subdural hematoma, and more swelling from BOTH brain mets. Dang SQUID BRAINS! To two friends with metastatic breast cancer: I have 12 lymph nodes currently involved, right collarbone, trachea, and last summer one under my left arm and one in my right hip. Everything is currently stable, but the are

I am full of fail.

2010-11-17T15:52:00.001-08:00

Escape pod

2010-11-17T04:23:00.001-08:00

Kicking cancer. One of many collages, fighting my way out of this cancer trap...

2010-11-14T06:34:00.001-08:00

Dearly beloved, Gamma knife went fairly smoothly. I'd forgotten how unpleasant having the halo put on was. They really ratchet that sucker on tightly. Once it's on, it's not that big a deal other than it makes your head heavy. The MRI seemed to take a long time, and it was uncomfortable because my back was sore. The gamma knife itself? Seven minutes. Sort of anti-climactic. Extremely. I

Dancing up to gamma knife

2010-11-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

Dearly beloved,I really, really hate the gap between a new diagnosis and when the treatment begins.I'm scared and angry and grieving. I'd rather have cancer recur any place except my damned head. Short term memory is wonky, verbal is slightly wonky, balance is wonky, right eye is wonky, right hand and foot and now LEFT foot are wonky. I keep getting that weird twinge where it feels sprainy

Response to another mom, debating whether or not to continue chemotherapy

2010-10-22T05:42:00.000-07:00

Tough one. I'm going to tell you what I do, but not make a recommendation.I've repeated chemo three times, and expect to repeat it in the future. I've fought HARD for a chemo that doesn't cause side effects I don't want. I'm currently on paclitaxel-NAB, which I know I have a response to, AND doesn't cause much neuropathy. (BTW, I understand that it's not the taxol drugs that actaully cause the

My titanium colander is bigger than your titanium colander

2010-10-21T04:18:00.000-07:00

So I went to the ER day before yesterday, with a nasty, nasty headache. Preliminary diagnosis - new brain tumor. Number two in a set. Six millimeters.Thank goodness for a week of being able to report in cancer free, last week. Dust off your titanium colanders, everyone.Well, we saw the PA in the neurosurgeon's office who kind of gets up my nose, but she's smart. Showed me the piccie, and I'm

Tell me of the nature of death

2010-10-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

What do you say to a twelve year old who asks you what REALLY happens when you die?Now, if you are a parent like me, you waffle, come out with something fairly ludicrous at the time. Typically, I would then go away, bang my head on my desk, think about what I SHOULD have said, and wait for the next opportunity to do a better job. It's rough, but it sort of works.Couch this in the fact that this

This is all the good news I need, today.

2010-10-14T04:10:00.000-07:00

Dearly beloved,http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-11539182andhttp://www.guardian.co.uk/world/gallery/2010/oct/13/chilean-miners-rescue-pictures#/?picture=367598107&index=10I grew up in mining country. News mostly isn't. Good. And happy Metastatic Breast Cancer Day, although the happy at the beginning seems like a bit of a misnomer. Cheers for all survivors.Love,Chris

So this bald girl walked into a bar

2010-10-08T04:31:00.000-07:00

October 8, 2010Cancer treatment and testing, somewhat oversimplified, is generally not about good news.Especially when you've been doing it for a while, there tends to be a generally binary state of affairs - things have stayed the same (good) or gotten worse. (bad.) You get actual GOOD good news once in a while, but not very often.Recently, I had a test where I got actual good news, and I have

Everything2

2010-10-06T00:22:00.000-07:00

We're here, but you have to hunt for us...http://xkcd.com/802/http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Khm2_l9o-98http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7s8S7QxpjeY

Fortunately, unfortunately

2010-10-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

"NO evidence of progression of recurrent or metastatic disease".Fortunately, unfortunately.Unfortunately, I have a head cold, and I physically feel like death warmed over.Fortunately, I had a CT scan yesterday, and as of this scan, there's "no evidence of recurrence or progression of metastatic disease." (Translation - my metastatic breast cancer has not visibly grown or changed since June. I

Sometimes it leaks through the cracks

2010-10-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

Dearly beloved,The following is just a kvetch and rant - I don't need you to do anything, I just need to get it out of my system.I am tired, cross, and hating cancer and treatment, and everything that goes with it. If anything, for me, dealing with being on a steroid is at least as awful as being on chemotherapy, and it's looking like three more months of the steroid...and if this CT scan

State of the Evidence

2010-10-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

Dearly beloved,http://www.breastcancerfund.org/media/publications/state-of-the-evidence/One of the non-profits NOT backed by large pharmacy. I look for the word prevention. These and Young Survivors Coalition currently get most of my $$ and volunteer effort.More later, this publication just came out.Christine

No rest for the wicked

2010-09-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

So it's been a bit of an exciting day. I unfortunately had a seizure this morning. (Luckily I DIDN'T have it while driving I-80 to work...)My right arm started to twitch, and I was having trouble typing. I went into the bathroom to take one of the drugs, and then my right arm REALLY started to twitch - it was jumping up and down..I also started to get dizzy. I went in to the kitchen to call

WHERE was I supposed to be today?

2010-09-17T05:55:00.001-07:00

Granted, things have been a wee bit discombobulated since we got back from Matinenda almost a week late. Blew up the car there, and that added to the "fiasco" end of the vacation. I think I had an amazing, relaxing vacation, and Kevin's end was mostly tainted by medical and vehicle hullaballoo.So amongst other things, in the three weeks since I got back, I've scheduled 12, that's twelve

MRI, redux.

2010-09-14T05:24:00.001-07:00

And here's the groovy colorzed version, But IS IT ART?I get to see the other MRI today, and talk to the oncologist about it. Interesting.

MRI

2010-09-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

No wonder my head hurt.

Dylan Thomas, misremembered as John Donne

2010-06-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the

Amazon, breaking down

2010-06-05T09:43:00.001-07:00

I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never going to keep me down... So my oncologist was encouraging. The short version is that he says most of it looks good. I go in to see him next Wednesday to determine the next steps.The biopsies will determine if the cancer has spread to the next lymph nodes down the line. My suspicion is that the cancer is partly responding to the taxotere

Hanging fire

2010-06-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

PET scan shows mixed results. I'm waiting to hear from my oncologist. Definite - two new biopsies next week. More details later.Love to all,grundoon

Moving right along...

2010-05-31T07:08:00.000-07:00

So after a weekend of pack and schlep, The house looks to be about 70 or 80% emptier. I'm taking today off, since it was a brutal two days, and that included chemo on Friday morning. Yesterday I was a staggering zombie. Luckily we had three other friends show up, and they helped wertperch while I slept in a lawn chair and drooled on the towel I was using as a pillow. Now I'm feeling slightly more

Fridays in the emergency room

2010-05-15T06:22:00.000-07:00

So we had a bit of an exciting time yesterday. Long medical discussion ahead, if you want to skip parts.My left ankle has been sore and swollen for about a week, off and on. Last week was rehearsals for Coppelia, so we were dancing on a hard, hard stage rather than our nice sprung studio dance floor.Yesterday morning at chemo, I showed it to the chemo nurses. They had the same reaction I did,

Some fun from Christa of Manolo For The Brides

2010-05-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

One fun part is that they have a "Party for the Cure", although personally I do NOT like pink, especially for interiors. Flowers, yes, cocktail dresses, maybe, but a tablecloth? No. My preference is for the "Garden Party", and isn't THAT predictable.Win it!Social Couture is offering Manolo for the Bride readers a chance to win a $50 gift certificate to that fabulous store. To enter, leave a

Fifth anniversary

2010-05-02T05:29:00.000-07:00

Dearly beloved,It was gorgeous day here in Davis. First really pretty summer day we've had - everyone in shorts, and a nice breeze. Tess and I went to our ballet class, although I didn't do the whole class - one of the nastier side effects of taxol drugs is that they make your joints ache, and that one has been hitting me pretty hard lately.I came home, and Kevin and I had talked about going to

My summer dream trip

2010-04-21T21:20:00.000-07:00

Leave Davis between July 1 and 5. EAST. Drive through desert. Arrive casa del Fargus two days later. Hang out in Taos for a few days. Drink all of Fargus' wine, and get blisters from guitar music. Drive east to Rancho Jet-Poop. Read all of Jet-Poop's comic books. SOUTH. Drive east, Tennessee? Visit town, where I was born...Covington Skyline Drive Visit czeano's parents in Sparta. Chapel Hill,

Grundoon Goes GammaGirl

2010-03-02T11:59:00.000-08:00

My favorite moment was when the 350 pound lead bowl, attached to the titanium frame which is screwed into my poor little skull - don't drop my head, please! - (COLANDER? I SPIT ON YOUR TIN FOIL COLANDER!) "DOCKS" with the gamma knife machine. "Houston, the shuttle has docked, and the air locks are connected!" And ALL FIVE of the geek doctors came out dancing to Light My Fire, courtesy of the

Twenty-three things to do on steroids

2010-03-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

This is your grundoon. This is your grundoon ON DRUGS. I'm on a steroid to prevent any swelling in my brain pan from the [gamma knife] surgery. Steroids tend to make me slightly wired. Slightly. Many bothans have died to bring you this information. 1) Alphabetize your CD collection. (2:30 am)2) Paint your toe shoes with cobalt blue watercolors. (1:30 am)3) Fold laundry load dishwasher forget

The hardest loss of breast cancer

2010-02-25T07:11:00.000-08:00

Why I'm up AGAIN at 6 am. Nightmares. I am dancing, and I even went out salsa dancing on Tuesday night - it helps. Trouble is I'm getting really physically exhausted.I'm going through something really emotionally hard at the moment, and it's giving me bad dreams. wertperch and I have never told anyone else much about this, but back in 2005 when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I was

On Internet Lurve

2010-02-15T08:01:00.000-08:00

For Richard, and by a strange concatenation of circumstances, for LaurelI used to think that falling in love, or being in love required a lot of time. That I should wait, and weigh, and consider, and perhaps make a list of someone's most wonderful (or most irritating) habits, before I committed myself, mentally, to believing that I love them.I no longer believe that this is true.I have men

Left parietal lobe

2010-01-29T19:10:00.001-08:00

Third time's the charm, apparently.I have a "suspicious mass" in my brain. Suspicious, as in, a 2 centimeter mass that is presumably metastasized breast cancer.I'm okay, for the moment. Not entirely surprised, but it is going to mean more treatment, probably gamma knife surgery, and another round of chemotherapy. I wonder what the record is?The good news is (and I know you'll kid me for this)

2009-09-08T20:36:00.000-07:00

Rain on water

2009-06-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

What are you doing?Nothing.Outwardly nothing.Inwardly, I'm being with the rain. Friends ask me what I do at our summer place. I usually give a fairly flippant answer. We swim, drink tea, eat, and sit around and talk about what we are going to eat next.But it usually takes me about a week to switch into Matinenda time.It's best explained that my logical brain turns off, and my sensation brain

15 rounds. Chemo vs. grundy. Hallelujah.

2009-03-06T19:40:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2NEU6Xf7lM

Ten down, five to go

2009-01-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

I visited my oncologist on Monday, and it's all good news.The CT scan turned out really well - all 7 lymph nodes have shrunk, and are either undetectable, or "normal", which means smaller than 1 cm. An "optimal" response, according to my doc. The chemotherapy is working very well. After a discussion with my doctor, we've decided to tack on an extra three sessions of chemo after the next two,

Chemo not in vain....

2009-01-15T20:12:00.000-08:00

The CT scan showed that all seven of the lymph nodes have decreased in size. This means that the chemotherapy is effective, and is working to beat this cancer.I am speechless with delight.Love to all,Chris

I hate Anthem Health Care!

2009-01-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

I'm going to moan for a second -Chemo sucks! I have horrible side effects! I hate my insurance company! Suck suck suck! Hate hate hate!Pacificare insurance, which I had when I was originally diagnosed, covers cancer treatment. All of it. Fully covered. No co-pay, no nothing. Chemo was covered, surgery was covered. Pacificare, you rock - or at least then you did.Then I was hired by

New chemo, and happy solstice!

2008-12-26T17:29:00.000-08:00

My darling cuz writes me an email every night, and i save it in case I have insomnia, which is one of the more beastly side effect of cancer and chemo. This started out as a reply to her.Just in case you wonder, I love love LOVE your emails. They are my saving grace sometimes.Chemo this morning, and after a TON of dithering, Our dear Dr. L changed the main chemo drug from taxol to paclitaxel

2008-12-17T12:34:00.000-08:00

This is an interview about chemo and food with me and my darling Tracy, of TracyFood.While I don’t know a lot about nutrition, I probably know even less about cancer and chemotherapy. However, one of the greatest things I keep learning as I get older is that I don’t need to know everything — I just need to know how to ask people who know stuff I don’t. So, enter the guest post!My friend Christine

Short post for Koren

2008-12-12T07:04:00.000-08:00

Dear cuz,We've received the amazing quilts, and both Tess and Kevin immediately wrapped them around their shoulders - how's that for a virtual hug? Thank you, thank you, thank you! I will try to post piccies sometime soon. Need to figure out how to integrate images and art into this blogthing, anyhow.I'm actually doing really well. Other than chemo, I'm fine. This time so far has been much

Five down, seven to go

2008-12-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

Chemo went pretty easily yesterday. I think we've finally found the right cocktail of drugs for most of the symptoms. It's so weird - I have a BOWL full of prescriptions in the bathroom, this for the girl who usually is reluctant to take ibuprofen. I get tagamet (reduce stomach acid), kytril (antinausea), benadryl (prevent allergic reactions), dexamethazone (a steriod to help reduce

Chemotherapy

2008-11-15T07:56:00.000-08:00

So what's chemo really like, you ask? Well, dearly beloved, let me tell you at least of my own experience.Kevin and I usually arrive around 9:30 am, although this is going to change. What I'm describing is a fairly typical regimen for breast cancer, although there are LOTS of different protocols, and other types of cancer have their own.The first bit, which yesterday didn't go as smoothly as

candyboots

2008-11-13T11:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, no energy to write much tonight, but after juicing and talking about chemotherapy and nutrition and organic fud and health and my overpublicized digestive system and cancer and blahblahblah until the cows come home, I have to say thathttp://www.candyboots.com/wwcards/czarina.htmlWeight Watchers Recipe Cards, is my single most favorite web site EVAR.I laugh SO hard every time I come back and

What does coping with grace look like?

2008-11-10T12:17:00.000-08:00

My dear,OK, this is really hard. I'm already tired and sick of this treatment, and it's barely begun. Yesterday one of the imps's friends had a gymnastics meet here in Davis, and I really, really wanted to go - and I didn't get out of bed. She qualified for state competition, and I MISSED it. Waves of nausea keeping me home. I don't really mind when something hurts, unless it hurts a LOT, but I

The five stages of grief - sort of.

2008-11-06T19:43:00.000-08:00

Dear cuzzes and others,THRILLED beyond speech that Obama was elected. History in the making. I cannot tell you how joyous I am that a non-white person is in the white house. For the first time ever I can tell Tess that she could grow up to be president - and not actually lying.Love his wife (altho WHAT was it with that red thing? Oy!), and that she doesn't pretend that everything, or her

And then I dropped the ipod in the loo.

2008-10-31T08:57:00.000-07:00

So I started the chemo Thursday, and I was fine (tho jittery as all get out) until the last 10 minutes of treatment - then the big wave of nausea crashed. It's the first time that I couldn't sleep during the treatment, but I was wired to the gills, so I listened to music and wiggled the whole six hours. It was pretty awful, actually. Kevin went off to work, and next time I'm going to have

Tracy is going to make me famoose!

2008-10-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

Fabulous food writing from our Trace - And I am the thus-mentioned Sugar Mama. Enjoy!http://www.tracyfood.com/2008/10/30/food-writing-snarktacular/

Gastlycrumb tinies

2008-10-28T04:07:00.000-07:00

So it's about what we feared - a recurrence in seven lymph nodes.From the look of it, it's the same cancer as before, creeping back.At this point, there are not good odds for a cure, so we are startingto think of it as a chronic disease instead of a cureable one.There's always a small chance of a cure - the "long tail" in thestatistics, but it's unlikely. (For those of you that like numbers,let

[Insert ugly emoticon here]

2008-10-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

The preliminary biopsy results are "consistent with a metastaticrecurrence of breast cancer". As of the moment, that's pretty much all we know - I got this from an on-call doc whom I don't know, not from any of the regular doctors. I go in to talk with my oncologist on Monday, and then will have a much better idea of what the next line of treatment is, and whether it's possible to cure it, or

PET scan

2008-10-10T10:21:00.001-07:00

"PET scan? What, are they looking for,little cats and dogs inside you?What fresh hell is this?- wertperchI had a PET scan on Wednesday morning, Oct. 8. The technical explanation, above, covers the imaging process - this is the more personal version.The PET scan started out about 24 hours before the scan itself - I was not supposed to exercise. That meant I missed my Tuesday morning dance class

2008-06-30T19:00:00.001-07:00

You Are BasilYou are quite popular and loved by post people.You have a mild temperament, but your style is definitely distinctive.You are sweet, attractive, and you often smell good.What Spice Are You?

the mental dental waiting room

2008-06-27T13:28:00.000-07:00

I missed a day of work today.The reason I missed a day of work is that last night, as I talked on the phone to my darling Sumati, I felt a lump over my right collarbone. Lymph node, I think, and since that's how I detected the breast cancer in the first place, I thought, yeah, better get that one checked out.Now, if you are not a cancer survivor, you may not quite know what this is like. Greg

2008-06-11T18:06:00.001-07:00

28As a 1930s wife, I amPoorTake the test!

Horace Phair

2007-10-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

FridayTo everyone concerned - we are running anywhere from 2 hours to 6 days late, as usual.Ashland, thank you for the slightly scary motel and the fantastic heart attack breakfast. Also tea. Also snow on ridges. In October.SaturdayThe way to go from the tea house to the saluthaus is - turn left out of driveway. Go 9 miles east on route 113. turn left onto I-5. Drive 700 miles north. (Do not stop

The bed is in the ocean

2007-09-19T13:38:00.000-07:00

I have a child, a girlchild, who is somewhat highly strung. (I hear my own mother's voice in the background, saying, wryly, like her mother. )Granted, I think Tess has been through a lot of life experience that most nine-year-olds probably can't lay claim to, both positive and negative.I was 16 the first time I ever rode in an airplane; Tess was 9 - as in 9 days. Like pease porridge hot. She

a painter's kitchen: third gear in reverse

2007-09-07T18:31:00.000-07:00

a painter's kitchen: third gear in reverse

Dear Title 9 Sports,

2007-09-05T09:38:00.000-07:00

I am a 43 year old woman/triathlete/writer and I'm just coming back to training after breast cancer treatment. I'm re-starting my training for the Wildflower triathlon and possibly the Mt. Shasta climb for the cure...and I NEED HELP. I need a jogbra that will hold a prosthetic comfortably (emphasis on comfortably), and a swimsuit that I can actually SWIM in. (Please do not tell me about Land's

An early promotion to crone

2007-08-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

Dear you, Why is it so difficult to pick up writing when we've been away from it for a while? There are times that words seem to flow out endlessly, that I can't find enough hours in the day to put pen to paper (or less romantically, fingers to keyboard). And then there are days, weeks, months, when the spring dries up, and when confronted with

Calm after the storm

2006-12-01T10:13:00.000-08:00

From a friend: I thought you looked well. I know you were troubled by a cough and the blankety blank lymph stuff but you seem to have a sort of peacefulness about you.Dear you,You're right. In most ways life seems really easy right now. Wertperch and the imp and I have gotten through the medical mess, and we are in a little calm spot. We moved this fall. The new house feels like a really good

water painting

2006-11-16T13:15:00.000-08:00

Paint me a pictureof muddy ecru, cinnamonof streets awash in mudPointillist sepiaglints of colorreflected from umbrellas and raincoatsflashes of christmas red and green Of a warm pubIn early afternoonSmoke and beer and wet woolsmellswrinkling your nosebut it is the best place to warmand scribble notes of the afternoonin nottingham.I'll paint you a pictureof crystal clear washed airand

On parents, trust, guns and doublethink

2006-11-06T16:16:00.000-08:00

I have been accused, in my time, of being overly romantic. Strangely enough, I have also been accused of being overly pragmatic. Even stranger, Both are true.TrustNational Public Radio recently ran a story on Morning Edition about a father who installed a black box GPS in his teenage daughter's car. After listening to the story, I found myself ranting, out loud, to the father as I finished my

Club moss

2006-11-05T21:33:00.000-08:00

Club mosses consist of four genera, worldwide. Three of these occur within North America - Lycopodium, Selaginella and Isoetes. They used to be grouped taxonomically with ferns and horsetails as vascular plants that reproduce by spores rather than seeds. Now it's recognized that they represent three completely separate lines of evolution, and were genetically distinct 350 million years ago.There

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

2006-11-03T17:36:00.000-08:00

In case you ever wondered about the reality of modern cancer treatment:Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.Much less an entire day of Monty Python-esque absurdity.I'm behind on the "Write every day in November" challenge - but because of an exception that I would never have called ahead of time.I found a lump in the area of my cancer surgery this morning.It was, oh, I don't know, approximately

Five seasons

2006-11-02T16:21:00.000-08:00

Dear you,The rain has finally begun, here in central cally. I am incredibly relieved, and I want to run out and lie in the wet grass and let it soak through me into the earth. Once again, by folding over from harvest season into monsoon, this place reminds me that it has five seasons, not four.The central valley of California does not have the typical four seasons that you get in

Butterfly Soup

2006-11-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

Dear you,This is the first post I'm putting up on Butterfly Soup that's not originally from Everything2. It seems easier, dearly beloved, to write this as a letter than in another format.It's been funny the last few days to talk to wertperch about our shared goal of writing daily throughout November. Same idea, but the difference in the way we execute it reveals quite a bit about our characters.

(R) breast and (R) axilla

2005-02-25T12:26:00.000-08:00

This story starts on the flight over to Heathrow. United Airlines has a design flaw in their seats, and the armrests don't fold up all the way. So in spite of the fact that the four of us, two adults and two kids, had 10 seats, it took a bit of maneuvering to get comfortable. I probably had the hardest time - because I'm tall, I end up with one armrest digging into either my spine or my ribs.

Day of the Dead

2002-11-01T10:09:00.000-08:00

The day of the dead. The day that the barrier between the spirit world and the world of the living is the thinnest.Ten years ago, November 29, 1992, the son of two of my closest friends was killed in a drunk driving accident. I was 28, he was 22. He was a passenger. He was named after my father, Malcolm, Mac for short. His parents and my parents had been close friends since before I was born. I

A temporary goodbye

2002-10-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

I said goodbye to my daughter this morning.She is four. I have never lived with her father: figuring out how to be parents as a team when we never really were a team had been a long road; for the time being, it is relatively harmonious.She will be gone for two weeks. They are flying to Hawaii, then getting on a Norwegian cruise line, to float around in the islands. Priveleged child, her auntie

Hugging Trees

2002-05-23T18:27:00.000-07:00

Re: to a conversation about having epiphanies in the woods. yes, that's right, it happens to me all the time.I recently went camping with my daughter at King's Canyon Sequoia National Park. While we were there, Tess I did all the tourist-y stuff, including stopping at "General Sherman", supposedly the world's largest sequioa, surrounded by loud tourists videotaping each other in front of

It was just a crush

2002-05-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

A letter I won’t send.Dear,Yes, I knew you were attracted to me, I just managed to ignore it. It would not be useful, at any level, to pursue. I’m older than you are. You have that ease of freshness and youth and breezing through a charmed life that always tastes like magic]to me. A boy, in the way that boys are attractive to me, and men aren’t. I know the pain an impulsive choice could lead

Mother's Day

2002-05-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

I hate Mother's Day.My mother died two years ago, on May 15th, of ovarian cancer, at age 61. The day she died was the day after Mother's Day, 2000. She would have been 62 on May 31st.She was my favorite person in the entire world. She was funny, charming, beautiful, incredibly charismatic. She taught me how to draw, how to paint, how to see. Any time I see beauty in the world I see it through her

Butterfly Soup

2002-04-15T11:05:00.001-07:00

When a caterpillar is undergoing the transformation from grub to butterfly, there is a point when it is neither: grub....nor butterfly. After constructing a chrysalis of some sort, the caterpillar dissolves. Yet even as the caterpillar dissolves, the butterfly has not really started to form. It is, in effect, butterfly soup. Cells of caterpillar, cells of butterfly, but neither one still/yet

You are going to need to get a big princess type dress. I CANNOT fight for the honor of someone wearing cowgirl pjs

2002-02-14T11:23:00.000-08:00

chivalry is not deadI want to wear velvetand have my hand kissedand be presented withan enormous heart-shapedbox of chocolatesin the shape of obscenebody parts. How smoothlythe sword and scabbardslide togetherDo you only take it outIntending to killlike the samuraionce did. Chivalryis not dead. But nowI sleep in cowgirl pjsAnd my lips are chappedI'm waxing cronelikeWearing smudged mascaraAnd