tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30948143003418574912024-02-19T02:43:08.455-08:00Butterfly Soupspirit, art and the cancer dancechristine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.comBlogger97125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-28535591570532237842011-08-10T10:26:00.000-07:002011-08-10T15:27:18.707-07:00And if I don't die or worse, I am going to need a nap.
"Those whom the gods would make crazy, they first make mad."
Sometimes I think cancer, and cancer treatment, were invented by some mischevious, minor god, to turn me into Job.
The latest round is the third reoccurance of brain metastases, this time tumorS. Multiple. What fun! So instead of having gamma knife surgery, which has relatively small side effects, except for cranial edema, I getchristine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-25754780483187121122011-07-01T14:14:00.000-07:002011-07-01T14:14:17.692-07:00Sooooo. I went last week and had yet another MRI (my eleventy-hunnerth) and then an afternoon visit to my oncologist. Following a week of out-of-the-blue headaches. Sure enough, I've got new stuff - tumors - going on in my brains. Baby squid! OTOH, my intuition is working just fine, thanks very much.
Coming up -
Saw the neurosurgeon Tuesday
Get whole brain radiation, for 10 sessions - I christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-58390857406166857202011-05-02T18:49:00.000-07:002011-05-03T03:40:46.573-07:00Telling the childrenIn reponse to a question from another Metastatic Breast Cancer Babe, about what to say to her kids.
I was diagnosed with cancer the first time when my daughter was six, less than three months after her favorite aunt had died of ovarian cancer at age 44. My cancer was the opposite of your early stage cancer - Stage 3C, with lymph nodes involved (I found it myself from an enlarged lymph node), christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-31918639874184936412011-04-22T14:01:00.000-07:002011-04-22T14:01:32.879-07:00A short update...Several people have asked me how it is going - the answer is, Same Sh*t, Different Day. I feel as though I've been here before, I go back and read my old posts, and I have been here before. At the end of chemotherapy, running out of steam, physically very run down, family sick of it as well.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
I'm going to go off and make art. The hell christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-89150048419777858902011-04-15T18:49:00.000-07:002011-04-15T18:49:11.293-07:00How many is that now? Thirty-five?BACK. I have been in the chemo cancer depression cave for a MONTH. I think it was the worst yet. Why is it that I don't want to talk to anyone during that cave time, when my brain knows it would help.
Five rounds of chemo down, one to go, as of this morning. That makes a total of....8 (ACT) then 3 years of tamoxifen plus 15 (taxotere and then abraxane) then gamma knife plus 9 (abraxane) then christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-55987100453390605812011-03-27T11:31:00.000-07:002011-03-27T11:31:43.382-07:00Bone metastases, henna head, and the sensesDearly beloved,
So when you last rejoined me, I was waiting to talk to my oncologist about the latest PET scan. I get copies of things like radiology reports these days, but perhaps there's a reason they generally don't release these to patients - I almost always interpret the news more harshly than my physicians do.
The latest one was a real mixed bag - all the new lymph nodes were smaller christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-91468164425213063192011-03-09T06:24:00.000-08:002011-03-09T06:24:43.288-08:00And now for something completely differentDearly beloved,
Not really anything all that different. Just the latest update on the cancer treatment. Fourth bout of chemotherapy, eighth treatment. Surgery, radiation, two gamma knife surgeries. I'm going to run out of fingers to count on fairly soon.
This chemotherapy is not typical. By far the worst round was the first one, and it was the reaction to the Zeloda - a bone med. This christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-39442527211823760532011-02-06T07:25:00.000-08:002011-03-02T05:22:48.059-08:00One day I will step out of my body, and burst into bloom...It has been a really rough couple of weeks. I had the PET scan about 3-1/2 weeks ago, and got the results a week later. I jumped right into treatment again, starting chemotherapy two days after seeing my oncologist.
However, the hard truth is that this cancer is progressing much faster, and in a worse way than Kevin and I had hoped. I only finished my previous round of chemo in June of last christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-12107228327625306002011-01-25T10:20:00.000-08:002011-01-29T05:17:29.812-08:00Beast Chthulu and bone metastasesIn answer to a friend who wants to take me to the "new body store"..
She says, "I am familiar with lymph glands...but I'm not familiar with hilar. Where and what are those? So I am tactless enough to ask, what will the cancer moving into the bones do/mean? Is this unusual or par for this kind of crap? Are you in pain from any of that? I know the chemo is doing a real number on you.... God Chris,christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-12183628925278991912011-01-22T07:17:00.000-08:002011-03-02T06:50:19.638-08:00The ongoing sagaDearly beloved,
I started a new round of chemotherapy Friday. The cancer has shown up in four new hilar lymph nodes. In addition, the PET scan shows that there are now bone metastases, small areas of cancer growth in my spine, ribs and hips. So along with the chemo, which should stop this progression and hopefully reverse it somewhat, I'll also be getting another drug which helps the bones christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-15078225440727699072011-01-05T07:42:00.000-08:002011-01-05T07:42:12.267-08:00Visiting metastatic cancer babeWrutten by another person in my metastatic cancer babes group. Brilliant, and to the point. Reproduced here with her permission.
To my very supportive Family,
I thought I would send you all a note just to let you know what is going on and why I may seem out of sorts and short on patience. On top of all the regular craziness of raising four kids, working and having a husband that travels all christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-9343972708316017032011-01-04T14:04:00.000-08:002011-01-04T14:06:14.368-08:00When did I lose my brave little soul?
When did I lose my brave little mind?
Cancer erodes me, small losses I find
add up, I am not the person today,
Whose mind once sang bravely as I rode away.
When did I lose my brave little soul?
Each time I fight but I've lost the whole
The future feels short, I don't plan ahead
I just stumble forward, my heart filled with dread.
When did I lose my brave little heart?
I don't remember if christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-40806851152272040822011-01-02T07:10:00.000-08:002011-01-02T07:10:37.716-08:00Guardianschristine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-5276540819642038912010-12-31T06:04:00.000-08:002010-12-31T06:28:57.999-08:00Trapped
There are days when this is how cancer feels and cancer treatment feel. The world is out there, and is gorgeous, but I can't get at it. I'm trapped in the cancer cage.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Expectations are getting to me. The feeling of expectations placed upon me, about how I'm expected to be. Be brave. Be on top of everything. Don't be angry. Be supportive.christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-81720271527579197712010-12-30T19:22:00.000-08:002011-01-01T06:42:37.681-08:00Nothing left.
PET Scan.
Thrush.
Pierced ear that's infected.
Bloating.
Neuropathy. Tingling in fingers and toes.
Bills. Bills, bills, bills.
Fatigue.
Kevin has caregiver's syndrome.
Mother
cancer patient
Working part time. (Work is good...)
Fighting depression.
Trying to start a garden.
A little bit of dancing.
Ballet is brilliant.
Ballet moms are brilliant.
Zazen and breathing help.
christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-3139054812550627672010-12-10T06:30:00.000-08:002010-12-10T06:30:34.619-08:00The question nobody asksHelen, are you going to die?
Because if you are going to die, I'm going to come see you first.
- Alice Sims -
What's the prognosis?
Jennifer and Karen
No. I'm not. Actively anyhow. Any more than you are.
And I'm often annoyed that you don't have the guts to ask me this, when I can see it in your eyes.
As you all know, I talk about cancer, breast cancer, boobies, cancer statistics..a LOT. I christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-1318074199733470062010-12-08T10:19:00.000-08:002010-12-08T10:19:02.631-08:00I has a bucket.Physical -
cracked lips
mouth sores
sore throat
upset stomach
puffy face
bloody noses
lymphedema
bloating
GI stuff
hellish weird appetite
swollen ankles
Emotional -
Mood swings
Irritability
Insomnia
Hyperactivity
Did I mention insomnia?
Other stressors -
All three of us with local creeping crud
Bills
Garage sale planning
Me going out of town
Nutcracker - fun, but stressful!
Working
Grants
Oh christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-942613458177122042010-12-08T04:37:00.000-08:002010-12-08T04:37:31.215-08:00SwimmerThis one really creeps Kevin out, he hates praying mantids. I may change her, I love the merperson top half. And seahorses. But Is It Art?christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-78858885447704196552010-12-06T21:56:00.000-08:002010-12-06T21:56:16.044-08:00venus de chemochristine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-9973913620665001272010-12-01T06:33:00.000-08:002010-12-01T06:42:03.308-08:00Grief againSo lately I just seem to wake up crying.
It happened a few days ago, and again this morning, after one bout of being up. I managed fall asleep a second time, which doesn't always work, but the had an extremely odd dream.
I'm really grieving. This last round of no cancer/cancer feels like whiplash, and also has given me a real emotional smackdown. We had ten days. Ten days where we were told,christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-25242816171976135462010-11-24T06:57:00.000-08:002010-11-24T08:26:20.496-08:00Dramachristine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-14474200617869646662010-11-22T22:56:00.000-08:002010-11-22T22:58:58.758-08:00Seeds...christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-44723541407858634942010-11-21T07:53:00.000-08:002010-11-21T07:58:44.959-08:00Radiantchristine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-53434277856519316522010-11-20T19:56:00.001-08:002010-11-20T21:01:22.016-08:00Sad dancerAnother collage, because it's my blog, and I can post whatever I want, dammit. For all the amazing dancers in my life, but most of all the Tess.christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3094814300341857491.post-64412336893662252482010-11-19T11:33:00.000-08:002010-11-19T18:05:53.086-08:00The gargolye insideI went to the ER yesterday because of double vision and cloudiness in my right eye, rule out a subdural hematoma, and more swelling from BOTH brain mets. Dang SQUID BRAINS! To two friends with metastatic breast cancer: I have 12 lymph nodes currently involved, right collarbone, trachea, and last summer one under my left arm and one in my right hip. Everything is currently stable, but the are christine ottaway aka christine grundoonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14422829128460531734noreply@blogger.com0